P.A

P.A

Sidney Young is about to retire. Having been on the force for forty years, it is time for a break.
Having his farewell dinner, he and his wife return home. Waking the next day at the usual time, he suddenly finds so much time on his hands and nothing to do.
Realizing that he hasn’t missed the company of his wife each day, he ventures out. Not looking for anything in particular, he walks the streets, but seems to witness endless wrong doings.
Instinctively bringing these people to justice, he finds himself absorbed in minor crimes and general bad acts of behavior. Busier than before, his wife continues to find him ‘jobs around the house,’ so he finds himself out all day to escape her.
Not enjoying his new life, he tries to return to the force, but is not accepted.
Stepping into a life crises, he desperately looks for new things to fill his time, keep him off the streets and away from home until one evening something unexpected happens.…….

P.A. PILOT
Int. Small House in London- day.
As the camera runs up the stairs we hear moaning coming from the bedroom and we can hear the thoughts of Sidney.

Here we go again, same old shit. Why I have to do this, I’ll never know. Can’t she pay someone to take care of this, I really wouldn’t mind.

We see Ruth lying on the bed while Stan under the sheets is going down on her.

Ruth

Left a bit…. A little harder…no, you’ve lost it… Come on!
If I do this really badly, perhaps she’ll never ask me again.
…Then suddenly.

Ruth

That’s it, right there, finally….don’t stop, come on!
Sid continues as the moaning intensifies.

Jesus Christ, how much longer do I need to go on! My neck is killing me. I can’t believe I got the right spot, how unlucky. After all these years she still wants me to do this.

Ruth finishes, Sid pulls up revealing a bald head and Ruth pulling up the sheets reveals a mass of hair lying between her legs.

Ruth

It came off again.

Sid pulls the hair from her and carries the wig out to the bathroom.

Sid

I’m not wearing this stupid thing again.

Int. Modest bathroom-day.

Stan flushes the hair piece down the toilet and then takes a large swig of mouthwash. Then climbing in the shower, he relaxes as the steam builds up and he imagines a beautiful girl standing before him.

Looking over at this topless busty blonde, he starts to masturbate and is just about to finish when he is brought back by a rude knocking on the door.

Ruth (From the bedroom)

Don’t forget the kitchen tap needs fixing.

Leave me alone you…..

Ruth (From the bedroom)

Did you hear me?

Sid
Yes dear.
Sid’s shower is over as he climbs out noticing his toilet is now overflowing.

What the fu…

Ruth (From the bedroom)

And don’t forget the garage door is still…

Sid
Yes dear.
Flushing the toilet again, it continues to overflow now onto Sid’s feet as he pulls away.

….That’s another fine mess you’ve got me into.

Int. Modest Kitchen in a house in London-Day.

Sid is digging through some dirty dishes to find a spoon. Then rinsing the spoon, water splashes onto him.

What the…

Ruth enters and sees Sid looking a little wet.

Ruth

Don’t you dare try fixing that yourself, you’re not handy.

I’ll show you handy, the back of my hand.

Ruth

And the upstairs toilet is now blocked. Call Geoff, he can do both on one trip.

Leave me alone woman, this is my time.
Sid

I’m not calling Geoff; he’ll charge us fifty quid just to come here.

Ruth

Up to you, but I want them both done. What have you got on today?

Sid

I have my thing tonight at work….

Ruth

That’s not until tonight. What are you doing now?

Sid

I’m going to find a Plummer.

Ruth

Well good luck with that.

I’ll show you. I’ll find a plumber and he’ll be better than Geoff. Last time he came here, he ate all the custard creams.

Ext. London street- Day.

Sid is walking along the street minding his own business when he is overtaken by a young black guy wearing his jeans a little on the low side.

What the hell is that? That looks ridiculous. Not cool, come on, pull up your jeans….

The man takes out a stick of gum from his pocket, takes the gum, but drops the wrapper onto the floor.

You did not just do that.

Sid

Hey!
The man stops and turns to look at Sid as Sid catches up to him.
What are you doing?

Black guy

What? What you talking about?
Sid looks back and points at the litter.

Sid

You just dropped that.
Black guy

…So?

Sid

Littering is a crime, pick it up.

Black guy

Are you shittin me?

Sid

No, pick it up!

Black guy

You better back the fuck up man.

Sid shows his police badge.

Black guy

Ok guy, I’ll pick it up. I don’t want any trouble.

Sid

Good….

The black guy takes a couple of steps and picks up the wrapper.

Black guy

…Happy now?
Sid

Yeah, now pull your jeans up.

Black guy

What?
Sid

Your jeans, they look ridiculous, almost hanging from your ankles.

Black guy

That ain’t no crime.

The black guy wanders off as Sid is left standing there.

Int. Local Café-London-Day.

Sid is half way through an English breakfast when a couple of guys park their van outside and walk into the café. Looking at the van, Sid notices they are plumbers. As they are about to order, Sid catches their attention.

Sid

Excuse me guys?
Plumber

Yes mate?
Sid

I’ve got a couple of plumbing issues.

Plumber

Oh yeah.

The lady is waiting to take their order.

Sid

Yes I have…..
Plumber

Just a minute…
Turning his attention to the café lady.

A full English for me with tea please…
Back to Sid.

Go on
Sid looks around seeing many sat at tables.

Sid
Here?
Plumber

You brought it up here.

He looks alright, I can tell him.

Sid

My toilet’s blocked.

A lady from a nearby table intervenes.

Lady

Do you mind? I’m eating here.

We’re not talking about the shit I flush down, Jesus woman….

Plumber

Why don’t you give me your address and I’ll come by later. What was the other issue?

I like this guy; he doesn’t care about this woman.

Lady

Do you mind?

Sid hands the plumber a card.

Plumber (Reading the card)

You’re the old bill?

I need to print new cards.

Sid

I was, retired now.

Plumber

Good for you, dangerous job. Okay, I’ll be by later.

Wait a minute, wait a minute….

Sid

Can I ask is there a call out charge?

Plumber

Of course, every plumber has a call out charge.

Come on! Don’t you charge enough already?

Sid

Why is that exactly?

Plumber

It covers our time and travel expenses.

What a load of bull…
Sid

And how much exactly is it?

Plumber

Forty pounds.

I’m only living around the corner.

Sid

Forty quid, that’s a little steep.

Plumber

Well if you think so, I won’t come, but here’s a card if you change your mind.

I doubt I will…

Sid takes the card while the lady looks over and the plumber takes a table.

He’s gone, stop moaning woman you’re not my wife.

Lady

I know a guy if you need one, he’s the best.

That’s what everybody says about the guys they use….He’s my doctor, he’s the best…. You should see my dentist…he’s the best. How can everybody be the best?

Sid

Really?
Lady

Yeah, he’s Polish and he doesn’t charge a call out fee.

Polish? What is it with all these guys coming over here and taking our jobs, but hey, not call out fee, good luck to them….

Sid

Thanks that would be great.

Lady

Not a problem.

Sid

And sorry for discussing my plumbing problems while you were eating.

Lady

That’s ok; it was the plumber asking you.

She’s turned out to be alright.

Sid

Well thank you for your help. I’ll call your guy now.

Int. London house, Bathroom-Day.

Four Polish guys have arrived and are in the bathroom trying to un-block the toilet. One of them is working while the other three are just watching.

I’ll never understand that. One guy is working and three are just watching. How much is this costing me?

The wig is finally removed from the pipe and shown to Sid.

Polish man

This was the problem. Somebody put down toilet.

He knows it was me.
Sid

Probably the wife.
Polish man

Yes, well I think we finish now.

Sid looks around the bathroom.

Look at all this mess, there’s no way I’m cleaning all this up.

Sid

You are going to clean the bathroom, yes?

Polish man

Of course.
The Polish man speaks some Polish words to the other three men who start cleaning while Sid steps out and the Polish man follows him down to the kitchen.

Int. Modest kitchen, London-Day.

Sid and the Polish man enter as Sid puts the kettle on.

Sid

You want some Coffee?
Polish man

You have Polish Coffee?

Why the hell would I have polish coffee?

Sid

No…
Polish man

Then no thanks.
Sid

They make coffee in Poland?

Polish man

Of course, it’s the best coffee in the world.

So he says.

The other three guys appear from upstairs.

That was quick; you better have done a good job.

Sid

Everything clean up there?
The Polish man speaks to the other three and after a long conversation, turns to Sid to confirm.

Polish man

Yes.

Sid

Is that all he said, it seems he said more than just yes…

Polish man

He did, but it doesn’t matter.
Sid

No what did he say, I’d like to know.

Why can’t these guys speak English in my country? What the hell did he say?

Polish man

He said lots of hairs all over the place. They make bathroom cleaner than before and you should pay more.

The wife again, she should clean up her hairs.

Sid

I didn’t ask him to clean the bathroom, just the mess they made.

Polish man

Well, never mind, they did and I think we go now.

Sid

Yes. I think that is a good idea. How much do I owe you?

Polish man

For me forty pounds and something for them.

Here we go…
Sid

Really, something for them, they didn’t really do anything.

Polish man

They helped me and cleaned your bathroom.

Sid

Ok, why it takes four guys to unblock a toilet, I’ll never know? Sid hands over forty pounds to the Polish man and ten pounds each to the others.

Polish man

You know the pound very weak at the moment to the Euro, not much ten pounds.

At this point his wife enters and looks strangely over at Sid and his Polish workers. To avoid any embarrassment, Sid looks into his wallet and sees he only has twenties.
Jesus Christ.
Sid (To his wife)

Do you have change for a twenty?
Of course you don’t you just put everything on your card that comes out of my account.

She shakes her head smiling, tormenting Sid while he hands over a twenty to each off the Polish men.

Polish man
Thank you.

A hundred quid to unblock the toilet, I won’t be calling you again.

As the guys leave, Sid is left there waiting for his wife to comment.

Ruth

….So how much?

Here we go…

Sid

…..About a hundred.

Ruth

Wouldn’t it have been cheaper to have called Geoff?

Sid

Maybe, but they cleaned the bathroom.

Ruth steps over to check the sink, which is still broken.

Oh god, I forgot about the kitchen sink. Maybe I can still catch them?

Rushing over to the window, he sees them driving away.

Shit…mother…

Ruth

So you better call Geoff then, unless you want to pay another hundred pounds for the Poles to fix the tap and clean the kitchen.

Sid

Actually there was another guy I met at the Caff and he only charges forty pounds to come out.

Ruth

It’s your money, but get it done today.

Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag….

And I’m going to check the bathroom, make sure they did a proper job.

Int. Kitchen in a modest house-Day.

Sid finishes on the phone as Ruth enters the kitchen.

Here we go. I knew I should have checked the bathroom.

Sid

…Everything alright? ….Bathroom clean, toilet ok?

Ruth

The bathroom is clean…

Thank god.

And the toilet is flushing again….

Great….

But I’m missing my lingerie.

What!

Sid

Are you kidding me?

Ruth

No I am not kidding you. My green lacy DKNY is missing. I left it in the bathroom this morning.

That thing, I hated it. Her sagy boobs hung out of it….. It’s better that it’s gone.

Sid

But why would they…..

Ruth

That was expensive; they could sell it at the market….

She’s not gonna let this go.

Sid

I’ll call the guy and find out.